Let me start by saying, I am a real person. I know sometimes when we look at someone’s life through Instagram, Facebook or other social media sites we often only see the glamour shots or the “living my best life” and we think that they don’t have bad days. I can’t speak for everyone nor do I want to, but I can tell you I have bad days.
This is more of an honesty post. It might not be for everyone. There may be some triggers ahead.
For the past few weeks (maybe a month or more) I have been going through a serious spell of depression. I wasn’t eating, I stopped hydrating myself (unless I was forced to), I started sleepwalking again, my anxiety was through the roof and I was on the verge of suicide. I hadn’t been taking any of the medications I was prescribed. I started taking sleeping pills to escape the thoughts in my mind. When that wouldn’t work I would try to get high and I actually starting drinking until I couldn’t remember a thing. I was under the impression (thanks to my anxiety) that no one wanted to talk to me or be around me. On Wednesday, November 6th, I finally came to peace with the idea of killing myself. I know. “Suicide is selfish” and “think of all the people you’re leaving behind” is usually everyone’s go to when we begin to talk about self-terminating. However, until a person starts talking about self-termination or actually goes through with it, do the people we’re “leaving behind” really care?
I actually had a “friend” stop talking to me because “you brought my whole mood down with all of this”… In my darkest hour I reached out to the one person who TOLD me I could come to them with my problems and that was their response. You know my anxiety had a field day with that. “See, I told you no one wanted you around. I told you no one wanted to talk to you. No one values you.” I sank really low. Lower than I had ever felt before. Did no one really care about me? I mean, yes, I sometimes feel alone, but was I really by myself? Did my life only matter to my dogs? If you’ve followed me any amount of time then you know I have 2 dogs, Lilianna and Belladonna. I called the Suicide Hotline three (3) times that day and each time I ended up disconnecting because I believed that my problems and my feelings were important. There are people with real problems out there that need their help. Not me. That night I went over to see my S.O and to say my goodbyes. However, I was unable to and ended up spending a very good last night with him. I left him a note, kissed his forehead and left his house under the guise that I had to be to work at 8am. I drove home contemplating how I would do it. Overdose on sleeping pills? Drive my car into one of the cement blocks without a seat belt on? Drive my car over the bridge? (Crazy as it is going to sound, I couldn’t bring myself to destroy my car…) Death by helium suffocation? I got to my place of residence and I cried for over an hour with a bottle of sleeping pills in my hand. I just had so much built up on the inside of me and I just wanted it to stop. I found myself asking God why, questioning the Universe and whoever else was listening. I cried until my head began to hurt and my heart felt like it were going to burst and then I cried some more. I’m not sure at what point I stopped crying, but I remember going to work and putting on my best face for my customers. When I got home I was reminded of a saying I remember hearing YEARS ago: “Sometimes we have to be broken to be whole again.” I was beyond broken. I was shattered into a million little pieces. Something in my mind “clicked” and I figured there is no lower I can go, so it will only be up from here.
Today is Wednesday, November 13 (a whole week since I made my decision) and I won’t sit here and tell you everything is great. I’m still not taking the medication that I was prescribed. I have started attending this group that a previous psychiatrist recommended for me. It’s a safe space to discuss our feelings when everything becomes “too much.” I have started meditating and learning how to replace negativity with positivity. I am learning to flow instead of overthinking. I started reading the Bible and praying. I’m interacting with the Universe and I’ve started some new hobbies. My S.O has been right there supporting me every step of the way along with my 2 REAL friends. Things could be better and they could definitely be worse.
You are not alone. Help is just a phone call or click away. There are people out there who do care about you and what you’re going through. I’m one of them, so please, just reach out.